Patty & Bun, London W1

Yes, another review of a burger restaurant. However, you’re in for a treat today. For this review, I’m going to harness the power of HAIKU. 

WARNING - Quality of poetry not guaranteed.

We joined the queue
A hipster hamburger joint
Cold Saturday night

“Only half an hour”
Said the chipper clipboard bloke
“It better be good”

Inside it’s makeshift
The water in milk bottles
Very bloody ‘now’

I ordered some wings
And a Smokey Robinson
Which is a burger

The place, very small
The hungry hordes looking in
“Got here just in time…”

The wings were lovely
Kind of asian influenced
Light, crispy batter

Tender, moist chicken
Finger licking sticky sauce
I burned my fingers

A burger done rare
The brioche, fluffy and light
Like geisha’s tears

Flavoursome patty
A huge stack of onions
Some tasty bacon

Dessert, a choc-ice
A bloody decent choc-ice 
Still, just a choc-ice 

Overall, was great
When you think you’ve had ‘em all
Up there with the best

It is deserving
Of far grander prose than *this*
I’m very sorry

A bad idea
so poorly executed 
thus ends my haiku

9/10

Patty & Bun
54 James St
London
W1U 1EU

No reservations, obviously

http://www.pattyandbun.co.uk

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BBQ Shack at the World’s End, Brighton

I’ve heard lots of praise about a dive pub in Brighton, where an expert BBQ pitmaster by the name of John Hargate has set up shop. Mr. Hargate is reputed to be knocking out high quality authentic US BBQ to the unwashed masses of London-On-Sea. Some of this praise is notable for coming from the mighty Jay Rayner, certainly the UKs most visible food critic. Mention food to someone in Brighton and they’ll put down their juggling balls and say ‘Yeah, Jay Rayner reviewed the World’s End and he like totally loved it, man?’ it’s understandable. When it comes to must-visit restaurants, Brighton falls pretty short.

On a perplexingly changeable June day, I find myself heading to the seaside town. A quick shout to Twitter for recommendations brings up a few more mentions of the Worlds End so it’s decided - we’ll go there for lunch.

The World’s End is in the arse end of Brighton. The London Rd area is all closed-down shops, 99p stores and run-down pubs. One of these run-down pubs is the World’s End. It’s rather grotty. The pub is mostly empty, there’s a huge TV blaring and a mobility scooter parked inside. None of this is a problem - the 5th Musketeer came here and he loved it, so the food must be incredible, right? It even says ‘as reviewed by Jay Rayner’ on a massive sign outside. Plus, who am I to judge people who want to arrive at the pub on their mobility scooter and spend the day getting battered? (This raises an interesting point - is it illegal to be drunk in charge of a mobility scooter?)

We had a look through the menu - the meat is available in various denominations with a choice of sides. We went for beef brisket, pulled pork, chips, onion rings, rice and beans. This cost 12 quid a head. Service is non-existent as you’d expect: You give your order to the young student-looking chap behind the bar. 

When the food turned up there was certainly a lot of it. Unfortunately, incredible it wasn’t. First, the good stuff. The pulled pork was delicious, moist and tender as it should be. The home-made BBQ sauce was great too, sticky and rich.The rice was, erm, competently cooked. The onion rings were OK.

Now the bad stuff - the brisket was awful. It was dry and grey, almost like cuts of cold meat. What the hell happened here? BBQ brisket is meant to be wet and falling apart, not look like leftovers from Grandma’s 87th birthday party. The chips were sub-par pub fayre - undercooked, too thick, not crispy. The beans were oddly tasteless apart from a slight dank, earth-like flavour. Overall, very underwhelming indeed.

Now, I don’t know what happened between Rayner’s visit and mine, but the food we were served at the Worlds End was nothing like the meal described in his review. Also, he describes the pub as a ‘local boozer exactly as it should be’. It’s not, it’s a down-at-heel pub in a rough part of town. It not a particularly nice place to spend time. We overheard the table behind us paraphrasing Mr. Rayner’s review ‘BBQ food is meant to be served in dives’. That may be so, but the World’s End isn’t even a dive - its just a rubbish pub. 

I suspect that the BBQ food is brought in by the famed Pitmaster (it’s no secret that the smoker is off-premises), but left to the mercy of the World’s End kitchen staff and their microwave, who set about it with heavy hands before it reaches the customer. 

If I was Jay Rayner I’d be wary of the use of his name to bring in business if standards have slipped this low. Funnily enough after I wrote most of this post I read Sunday’s Observer Food Monthly and the World’s End gets another positive mention (though for some reason the chef seems to have changed his surname). Basically, when I go to a restaurant and a critic of Rayner’s caliber has bigger it up so much, I want what he’s having. He clearly isn’t being served bone-dry brisket and soggy chips. It’s a great shame as on paper it sounds great, and the chef undoubtably knows great BBQ. Put it this way - Pitt Cue Co can rest easy…

4/10

BBQ Shack @ The World’s End
60-61 London Rd
Brighton 
BN1 4NE

01273 692 311

https://www.facebook.com/pages/BBQ-SHACK/

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MEATmarket - Jubilee Market, Covent Garden

MEAT. IN A MARKET. MEATmarket. No messing around here. For their second venture in 6 months, the MEATLiquor team have gone back to basics. Utilitarian, stripped-down, situated on the mezzanine floor above Covent Garden’s less salubrious market.  Judging by the old menus on the stairwell, the space was previously occupied by a particularly low-end Chinese restaurant.  Jubilee Market, it’s called, and I can only assume they picked this location as their way of showing respect to Brenda in her Diamond year. Crowns off to you, chaps. 

I don’t know what I was expecting when I found out about their plans for a second location but this wasn’t it. This is proper fast food. There’s a few high tables and stools, no table service: you place your order at the till and they shout out your name when it’s done, which was bloody quick when we were there, even though it was press night and they’d only done one previous full service. The kitchen is huge, like McDonalds. Obviously having learned a lesson from the ridiculous queues at the mothership they are clearly aiming to shift high volumes with a quick turnover. Nowt wrong with that. This is a burger joint, after all. 

At MEATmarket they have a pared-down food and booze menu with a few new surprises. First up - the Black Palace burger. This slab of pure filth takes two beef patties, some American cheese and a mixture of onions and gherkins all steamed together into a glorious gooey mess. This is the most full-on burger they’ve done (there’s no way you could do two), and like most palaces it’s a glorious thing of majestic beauty. Apparantly it’s an homage to the US chain White Castle Burger. See what they did there?

They’ve also introduced a brand new menu of hot dogs. I went for the RIPPER, which is a bacon-wrapped ‘dawg covered in crunchy bacon bits and onions (on a base of ketchup and French’s mustard, obviously). This is a superior quality wurst. Thick, juicy and a good amount of pop. I think it might actually pip Big Apple Hot Dogs, though I’ll have to do a side-by-side comparison to make my mind up properly. Answers on a postcard if anyone can suggest the best way to achieve this. The bun is basically the hot dog equivalent to the burger bun - light but chewy. Great stuff. 

On the side we had the fries (same as MEATLiqour) and yet another new addition - deep fried jalapeño and cheese poppers. Yep, you guessed it, these were bloody good too.  

Booze-wise they’ve got cans of Vedett and Hard Shakes - thick shakes with booze in. They are certainly tasty but one is enough - any more and you might be chucking your Black Palace on to the head of an unsuspecting market trader below. At current exchange rates a Hard Shake is more expensive than Mia Wallace’s Five Dollar Shake. Judging by the ones I tried (Vanilla with rum, Chocolate with Mozart liqueur) I think Mrs Wallace would approve.  

So, sorry to write such a predictable glowing review but they’ve taken what they’ve learned at MEATLiquor, developed it, trimmed the fat (from the operation at least, certainly not from the food) and opened up an establishment dedicated to getting you high quality premium US ‘junk’ food as quickly as possible. Proper fast food. This is a place to hit late at night after a few drinks, gorge yourself on a sloppy burger, knock back a Hard Shake then fall asleep on the bus. 

I have two reservations (not that anywhere takes them nowadays) :

1. Will they be able to keep up the quality with such a quick turnover?

2. Will there still be epic queues, such is the rabid desire for quality burgers at the moment?

Time will tell. On the strength of this preview I think they are going to do very well indeed. Having seen the setup first hand, I can’t help but think they’re going to roll it out to quite a few more sites at some point soon. I’m not going to give it a score as it was a freebie and they ain’t even open yet (they open tomorrow I believe) but you can probably tell that I think it’s pretty damn good. Go out, get drunk, stagger to Covent Garden and get yourself some MEAT.

MEATmarket
Tavistok St
London
WC2E 8BD

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Roganic, Marylebone, London W1

There’s no point doing a proper review of Roganic. The 10 course tasting menu can truthfully be described by that most stupid of modern terms: ‘EPIC’. ‘Food-as-theatre’, ‘breathlessly exciting’, ‘progressive’ and ‘MIND BLOWING’ are more overused descriptive terms that could also be employed. If you want a blow-by-blow then there’s at least a zillion other blog posts about Roganic you could read. 

It’s a tiny, low-key space of 11 tables. Painstakingly taking pictures of each course and jotting down notes would have totally ruined not just my experience, but the experiences of the other diners and possibly the experience of the staff too (who are all impossibly lovely - without doubt the most friendly and knowledgeable staff I’ve encountered anywhere). Besides, it was my birthday meal. And what better place to spend it that in a small white room, manfully tackling a ridiculous feast?

That’s all you need to know about Roganic. That, and the fact that it’s going to be PRICEY. But it’s worth every penny.  If you want to taste the result of a super-talented chef going mental with amazing ingredients then get down there if you can, they close in a year or so. Mega. 

Roganic
19 Blandford St
London
W1U 3DH

0207 4860380

http://www.roganic.co.uk/

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Ceviche, Frith St, Soho

Soft opening? Sounds a bit nasty to me. ‘Come to my soft opening’. Hmm. Anyway, my visit to Ceviche was on the ‘soft opening’ first night so bear this in mind as there was 50% off the bill. Also it was really dark in there so apologies for the pitch-black photos. 

It’s a bustling place, full to the rafters by the time we got there. An attractive bar area at the front (serving an array of pisco-based cocktails) leads to the main dining area down some stairs at the back. It’s not the largest space and they’ve really crammed the tables in there so prepare to get cosy. Interior-wise it’s tasteful enough (with some truly awesome photos of tough looking Peruvian dudes and lovely old-school posters, typography fans) but lacks the finesse of, say, a Russell Norman establishment. 

The menu is enticing. It’s all about sharing plates so there’s a ceviche section (obviously), a skewer section, sides and a ‘classic favourites’ section of trad Peruvian fayre. They recommend you have 3-4 dishes each and with prices between £6-£11, cheap eats this ain’t. 

We had a couple of excellent pisco cocktails to start, a Pisco Sour and a Soho. I was warned that pisco really messes you up so be careful, especially as the cocktails we had were dangerously drinkable. 

I ordered some tequeños to nibble on whilst we waited for the food to start arriving, these were great. Crispy wonton-type coating containing spicy chicken with a rocoto mayo dip. A lovley little appetiser. 

First to arrive were the ceviches. I’m a big fan of ceviche generally and have been looking forward to this opening (soft or otherwise) since I found out about it last summer. They both were delicious. The Don Ceviche comprised of large chunks of meaty sea bass in chilli, lime and tiger milk, whatever that it.  I thought it was a Belle and Sebastian album, turns out it’s what they call the juice produced by the ingredients of the ceviche in Peru. I definitely didn’t have to google that, I just knew it anyway, yah? There were smokey crunchy fried bits of something in there too. Brilliant dish.

The Sakura Maru ceviche was also fantastic. Very Japanese; sashimi-quality salmon in mirin, soy and chilli. The quality of the fish is plainly evident (it has to be in a ceviche, really). Melt in the the mouth. This also had crunchy bits. I like crunchy bits. Everyone like crunchy bits. If you don’t like crunchy bits you can jog on. 

Next up: steak skewers. These were marinaded in chilli sauce and served with fried potatoes. Perfectly cooked, top quality meat, very flavoursome. Solid. 

On the side I had this very strange dish - choclo. It’s basically giant corn-on-the-cob but the texture and flavour has more in common with potato. The jury is out on this one, I thought it was a bit strange and not actually that tasty. There was a rather earthy flavour to it, and £4.75 is rather steep for a piece of corn, giant or otherwise.  

Finally they brought over the Arroz con Pato: confit of duck in beer and coriander rice. Again, this was perfectly cooked and absolutely delicious. The sauce-fattened rice and tender duck makes for incredible comfort food.  A good one to fill you up a bit after all that light ceviche. The photo of this dish was too dark even for the low standards here at MBFBY? so apologies, I didn’t post it.

So, the food at Ceviche is a triumph. My niggle is with the pricing. You definitely need 4 dishes each, before you know it you are looking at 35-40 quid a head on food alone. It’s not a fancy dining room - it’s rammed, canteen style. You get what you pay for to a certain extent (as mentioned the sheer quality of the ingredients is evident in every dish) but personally I’d see Ceviche as an informal kind of place, which it is, but a meal for 2 would be pushing 100 quid with wine (the cheapest red is £20.50) - not informal prices. 

As for the service I’m not going to dwell too much as it was their first night but the amount of tables crammed in there caused problems. There’s a single channel down the middle for staff to deliver food, with tables for 4 on each side tables for 2 in between the 4s and the wall meaning it’s really tricky to get the attention of the staff if you are on a 2.

We spent a lot of time trying to catch someone’s eye through the cacophony. To give them credit the staff were really friendly and trying very hard, I’m sure they’ll iron out the problems soon enough. The chaos unfortunately meant we never got the octopus ceviche or the asparagus we’d ordered which is a shame as judging by the rest of the food we’d have been in for a treat. 

Ceviche, then. Food - unique, high quality, fantastically executed. Drink - lovely pesco cocktails, could do with better value house wine. Space - nice enough, bit too cosy for me. I’m not going to give them a score like usual as it was their first night. I recommend it, but be warned: it’s not cheap. 

Ceviche
17 Frith St
London
WCD 4RG

020 7292 2040

http://cevicheuk.com/

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PUB REVIEW: The Lass O’ Richmond Hill, Richmond Park

I’ve tried to get in to this cavernous pub beside the grandest of the Royal Parks a few times now but because it’s beside the grandest of the Royal Parks it’s always RAMMED. All these no-booking policies these days have dulled my senses - I must have forgotten it is actually still possible to book a table in London in 2012. 

However I thought ahead this time and on a wet Saturday afternoon we arrived (with 2 kids in tow) and were shown to a particularly lovely table in the rear dining area. It’s a classy joint - wood panelling, nice carpets, a real cosy feel. Far posher than your average Young’s pub. It’s what you’d call ‘kid friendly’ - but that doesn’t mean the little blighters run the place, it just means they are respectfully catered for. 

We ordered drinks and tap water (they had Twickenham Brewery Naked Ladies on - an excellent hoppy brew in great nick). I think the waiter may have had a heavy night the evening before as he missed everyone’s glass leaving us with a bit of a soggy table. Other than that, service was friendly and efficient. 

Now, the Lass really bigs up its beef. The menu proclaims that they dry-age their meat on the premises, the meat comes from Macken Brothers butchers down the road in Chiswick and they’ve apparently won Great Britain’s Best Steak Pub 2011 from some nameless organisation. It better be good with such big talk…

Fortunately I was impressed. I went for ribeye and it was very good. Nice smokey char and undeniably good quality meat. They lose a point for overcooking it a bit though (I asked for medium rare and got medium. Why do so many places screw this up?) Chips were decent enough, blue cheese salad was delicious but the warm peppercorn sauce was great. It was more like a fine, rich pepper gravy. I downed the rest like a shot at the end. Don’t judge me, I’m Northern. 

Unfortunately they messed up one of my dining companions battered cod; it was completely overcooked and very dry. Boo. 

This considered I would recommend the Lass O’ Richmond hill. It’s in a top location, (you can be in Richmond Park in 2 mins), it’s a nice place to spend a few hours and they know how to cook a decent steak. OK, they ain’t going to be worrying the Hawksmoor anytime soon but they can cook up some good quality meat. It’s not cheap for a pub but the quality is there (and what do you expect in this location? Every third car is a Porsche). It’s a shame about the inconstancies in the kitchen but I’ve come to expect this from pub dining in this country unfortunately. Don’t try the fish. As Weezer said in the iconic  ‘Buddy Holly’ video, the fish is ‘not so good, Al’. 

6.5/10

The Lass O’ Richmond Hill
8 Queens Rd
Richmond
TW10 6JJ

020 8940 1306

http://www.lassorichmondhill.co.uk/

MBFBY? - The first year

A year ago today I thought ‘hey, doing a food blog sounds like a good way to get free stuff, plus I’d get to whinge about stuff. I’ll give it a go’. 

Well, I’m still here 12 months later and it’s turned into a thoroughly enjoyable endeavour. The free stuff thing didn’t really pan out. Here’s the entire list of freebies MBFBY? received in 2011:

- a bottle of wine from Barefoot which I haven’t tried yet

- some wraps at Moolis 

- some beers at various places

erm, that’s it. I’m not going to retire on this blog unfortunately.  

Over the year I’ve had some amazing meals, some rubbish pub roasts, met some great people and gained a proper insight into the London restaurant scene.  I’m constantly blown away by the progressive, confident ideas which breed in this fair city. Each month brings a raft of new openings, despite the toughest economic conditions in living memory. Maybe this partly accounts for the amount of successful new restaurants - you have to be good to survive. Plus, there’s legions of bloggers and tweeters watching your every move. You fuck up and a thousand people know within minutes. It’s never been more possible to have a good meal for a fair price in London. Bravo. 

Regular readers will notice I don’t have too many negative reviews - this is testament to the quality of places out there at the moment and most of my reviews are from nights out with my wife; we check out places we’ve heard are good, we’re paying the bill and we want to have a nice time. I can’t give you an ingredient-by-ingredient analysis of a deconstructed trifle but I can hopefully tell you if a restaurant experience is any good or not. I want to share good places with people, that’s why I started writing this blog in the first place. Fortunately we’ve not really had any horror shows (apart from Cây Fucking Tre), though I’m sure we’re due one soon.

Right, enough navel-gazing. In true MBFBY? style, weeks late, here’s my end-of year round-up:

Best meal: Dinner by Heston Blumenthal

Predictable - yes. But it’s freaking awesome. Spectacular, witty and worth the money. MEAT FRUIT! 

Most visited restaurant: MEATLiquor

Again, pretty predictable but I love love love this place. They do the best burgers I’ve ever had. Fact. Not over-thought monstrosities, sloppy meaty delights in the near-darkness to a rocking soundtrack. Last time I was in they played War Pigs, for fucks sake. 

Best pub: The Palm Tree

I go to a lot of pubs. As yet, none can beat the mighty Palm Tree. Archaic, surreal and brimming with soul. 

Album of the year: ‘Color Trip’ - Ringo Deathstarr

Great name, great band. An updated My Bloody Valentine with catchier tunes. 

There you have it. Thanks for the support over the last year. I’ve had lots of very nice comments (not much hate mail unfortunately) and my readership is creeping up steadily. I’d like to think my spelling is improving too, but I’m probably wrong. 

Here’s to another year. Hope I don’t get gout! 

Smoak, Malmaison Hotel, Piccadilly, Manchester

A brief review to see in the first month of the year. Going to do a navel-gazing ‘1 year of MBFBY?’ post next month, and there’s a reviewing vist of Young Turks at the Ten Bells in the pipeline. I might even review Pitt Cue Co using only haikus if I can actually get a table. In the meantime another visit to Manc and another restaurant checked out…

Smoak. SUCH a Manchester name. ‘One word, spelt wrong’ is the motto of Manchester’s hospitality industry when it comes to naming venues. Nonetheless, I’d been hearing good things so in need of a quick lunch I popped to Smoak on a windy Sunday afternoon before getting the late afternoon train back to the actual Smoke. 

It’s certainly a ‘concept’. The huge interior is tastefully decorated in unfinished wood and faux vintage which you can see being easy to roll out across the Malmaison chain. The theme is AMERICAN MEAT. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a perfectly nice place with some nice touches but it still feels like a hotel restaurant (which it is, to be fair).

It was very quiet on our visit (2pm on a Sunday in January so not a surprise). They could maybe lose the SCREAMIN’ USA COUNTRY ROCK. How about some light banjo instead?

Staff were attentive helpful and efficient, though there were only about 3 other customers so it wasn’t exactly challenging conditions. 

Onto the food - I had a couple of oysters to start. They were lovely - fresh, huge and looking very appealing served in a metal dish of ice with shallot vinegar and bottle of Tabasco alongside. 

The main event involved a full rack of ribs. Again, this was attractively presented, the ribs removed from the rack and piled in a metal bucket, the sides in mini copper pans. clichéd? Yes. I like clichés sometimes. Extra points for having hot water in the finger bowl.

The ribs were delicious. I liked the fact that the weren’t served on the rack. Less hassle. They were very tender and moist, falling off the bone, glazed with filthy, spicey BBQ sauce. A bit of coleslaw on the side and some yoghurst finished it off nicely. The parmesan chips were excellent too, crispy, skin-on with a home-cooked flavour. 

RE: The chips - they have 5 different types of chips. ‘Classic’, ‘Garlic’, ‘Parmesan’, ‘Paprika’ and ‘Chilli’. My dad, (who I was dining with) couldn’t get his head around this. 

“There’s too much choice, son! Parmesan? Chips? They must be out of their minds.”

I’m inclined to agree with him here, it just adds an extra layer of choice on an already long-winded menu. Everything we ordered necessitated a question back to us from the waitress. At least it’s authentically American I suppose. When I was in the States a few weeks ago you couldn’t order anything without having to answer a stream of questions.

“And what would you like on that, sir? Bacon? Steak? Pancakes? Turkey wings? And would you like the whole lot deep fried? Sides? We got hash browns, corn bread, fat fries, fatter fries, fattest fries, onion rings, chilli bowl, 10 pieces of fried chicken?

JUST GIMMIE THE BLOODY BURGER, ALRIGHT?

Anyway, the cooking at Smoak is top notch, and the ingredients are superb quality. It’s a great place for lunch/brunch and it’s within eyeshot of Piccadilly station. Prices are good. The menu needs some pruning and the atmosphere is a little sterile, but overall I’d say it’s a good addition to Manchester’s somewhat underwhelming dining scene. 

7/10

Smoak
Malmaison Hotel
Manchester
M1 1LZ

0161 278 100

http://www.smoak-grill.com/

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